Many of the young women I teach who are gender non-conforming and likely lesbians identify as trans and want to be seen as male rather than female. I would like us to go back in time during that brief window when being a lesbian was accepted and less stigmatized. Sadly, that moment vanished and ideas on gender are targeting these young women and telling them that it is better to change one’s body than to boost one’s self love and self acceptance. A brilliant lesbian mother who is fighting for women and girls penned this powerful letter to a young lesbian who is currently struggling. The letter is so good that it must be shared - please share it with any young woman you know who needs to know that it gets better.

Hi…my name is Jill. I'm in my mid 50s and came out as a lesbian at 18, although I definitely knew at around 15yo, and had inklings since kindergarten. I grew up in a Midwestern city with no lesbian role models, no internet, no cell phones, no support. It was all I ever knew in those days, to feel alone in my heart… but I eventually knew I would figure it out somehow as I grew older and matured. I was a tomboy, played all the sports, and wore my brother's hand-me-downs. I briefly dated boys, briefly wore a bit of makeup, and absolutely hated puberty. I did not want breasts nor a period. All my friends were boys and these bodily changes meant I was different from them and not as welcome. Looking back, I WAS different, and the not-feeling-welcome was totally not that….it's just that in puberty, everyone is trying to sort themselves out. My friends that were male needed their own space, and so I naturally just started hanging out more with my friends that were girls. This was simply reality...bodies change, males and females are different, and that's okay. Some of us are gay and lesbian, and that's okay too, even if at that time, I was scared of rejection. I'm still friends with my elementary school girl friends, to this day. They completely accept me for who I am, even if back then, I didn't feel comfortable sharing that I was a gay woman. Life always evolves and changes even if we are scared.

I eventually had a boss that my siblings had all worked for who was a lesbian….when I was 16, she told me what I already knew but couldn't say on my own, and was terrified of…she said, “you're gay. It's okay to be with women.” I cried and cried while on the phone with her. She reassured me that it would be okay, that I would find my way. And, I did.

I decided that I needed to get away from my hometown, which I did when I went to college. I knew if I had space and no chance of rejection from my family and friends, I would find safety in being a lesbian, and that I would find love.

I've had many relationships over the years. I'm happy to be me, in the exact body and brain I was born with.

Despite how hard it felt way back when, I'm grateful no one ever had the terrible idea that I was “trans.” We only had what reality provided: male and female sexes, and gay, lesbian, and bisexual sexual orientations. That's it, and it's worked for humanity forever. Until recently. Now, kids are given a false and damaging ideology that they might have been “born in the wrong body” or “can change sex.” None of that is true nor based on any kind of reality. Our bodies are what they are, even if they feel uncomfortable at times. We grow, we mature (our brains need puberty and don't finish developing until our mid 20s) and we keep learning and growing forever. At my age now, I can look back and see things I didn't understand in my past. I have wisdom I never expected until it arrived.

I didn't want to have kids or get married. I hit my 30s and suddenly wanted to become a surrogate. I think this was my natural instinct to procreate. I didn't do the surrogacy, but later did decide to have a child. It was a long and complicated process, and the relationship I was in at the time failed, but I now have a teenager who I adore and zero regrets. It is now my job to hold him to reality, despite the non-stop barrage of messaging about how “cool” it is to be queer, trans, or any number of identities. The word “lesbian” is now seen as gross. I didn't use that word for many years, and that is one thing I regret. Saying I was “gay” doesn't differentiate that I'm a woman. This matters.

Women matter, and lesbians matter. We are currently being erased from language and culture.

One of the things I loved about being different, about loving women, is that we lesbians stuck up for each other. We made spaces for ourselves for our safety and our freedom to be just who we were. These spaces have been colonized by males pretending to be women and “queer” people who are typically there to be cool. Most queer people I've met are straight but like the cachet of being “different.” Lesbians are the real deal. We don't pretend for anyone. Our love and connection to each other is deep and genuine. The one phrase I hear most often is that we bond, deeply. I've found that both in friendships and romantic relationships. Often, I remain friends with my exes because of that deep bond.

Most kids who decide they are “trans” are simply gay or lesbian, but have not come to terms with that due to premature cultural pressure to conform. A lot of us are “gender non-conforming” and today, people equate that falsely with being “trans.” I live in reality, but it's a difficult cultural reality for young people now. The bombardment of false messaging is confusing people, and doctors are lying to youngsters about the realities of a life of medicalization. All of this is sped up with the Internet and social media. I didn't have to deal with that issue, and it's not fair that you most likely are. It's dangerous and confusing.

To be frank, removing reproductive function and organs is absolutely ruinous for a human being, particularly one who has not matured yet. The loss of fertility and sexual function, including orgasm, is tragic and will be a trauma for life. There is no reversing this, and as I noted, my desire to have a child later in life shows that we continue to evolve in our humanity. I hope no person shortcuts their humanity and potential this way.

I promise you that being whole, in your body, is where you want to be. I promise you that it will be okay. Exploratory talk therapy is what most of us dealing with confusion and trauma need. There is no magic pill that solves our issues. It's hard work, but adding bodily trauma to dysphoria is a recipe for more problems. Please trust those of us who have matured into healthy, happy humans with friends, partners, and sanity intact. This will be you someday if you keep the faith and push past the bad ideas society is holding out to you.

I am here if you need support from an adult human female lesbian.